Rest is Resistance: Haley’s Struggle with Rest and Lessons Learned
Originally written in March 2023
Many of you have been asking about our trip to Japan and here’s the long answer. Getting to Japan was not easy. Last fall, when Matt proposed the idea of joining his sister on a snowboarding trip to Japan, I immediately said, “no”. “How could we go on a trip when we just purchased a new farm? We can’t just take off for 10 days, farmers don’t do that!” This reaction did not sit well with Matt, who was feeling burnt out by overwork. He told me we needed to respect our mental health and suggested that I was in denial about my stress. So, I sought advice from one of my mentors, Chef Robynne Maii. Chef Robynne also owns a business with her life partner and like me, she views her business as her baby. We are also both workaholics and have type A personalities. I asked Chef Robynne, “how can I take a break and leave my baby alone for 10 days?” Chef Robynne responded, “You just have to do it. Don’t wait for 8 years to take your first vacation like I did. Your baby will be okay, just go.” I took her advice to heart and leapt into discomfort. I agreed to going to Japan for a 10-day vacation.
Fast forward to a month before leaving for Japan. OMG I can’t believe we are actually leaving; I can’t do this!! I’d feel so much more comfortable staying home. Did I just compromise to make Matt happy? Will I resent him? As the days led up to our departure my anxiety grew. Unexpectedly we also lost our main employee who was going to look after the farm for us while we were gone. Maybe this was for the best because it forced us to truly leave our farm to rest and it removed ourselves from managing the farm while away. In other words, I couldn’t be a helicopter mom while in Japan.
A week before our departure I started having sharp abdominal pains. After a trip to Urgent Care and my primary physician I couldn’t find what was wrong, and with the fear of something terrible happening while in Japan I went to the Emergency Room the day before our flight. After 4 hours of tests and examinations there was still no diagnosis for my pain. I suddenly broke out in tears and had a meltdown in front of the doctor because at that moment I felt like a fool for wasting hours seeking medical attention while I could’ve been at the farm finishing our list of things to do before leaving. At this point there was no way we’d finish our to-do list, and I kept imagining our farm “in shambles”. The doctor suggested I get a CAT Scan for peace of mind, and I agreed. Low and behold my scans were clear, EXCEPT for a build-up of stool. All this rigmarole and to find out I was just constipated! Fun fact, you can be constipated while pooping regularly (which is why I never considered I was constipated in the first place). I was so stressed out about our trip that my gut retaliated. After the hospital I was still in shock and freaking out about leaving but thanks to Matt’s patience and support (and his scrambling at the farm during my CT scan) we made it home and packed with time to spare. We got on our flight to Japan early the next morning.
Japan was a dream. No alarms, no schedule, beautiful snow, loving family, and the best food. Matt taught me to snowboard and now I have a new passion. I was reunited with my cousins and my 5-year-old niece who I haven’t seen in 2 years. I got to meet my brother-in-law’s brother and partners. I did yoga, napped, we walked the quaint streets of town, and enjoyed the steaming onsens. Matt and I went out on a date. I spent half a day at a coffee shop by myself. I got to rest.
Matt and I work 7 days a week, typically 60+ hours, and I struggle with the idea of rest. I don’t like sleeping in or taking off from work because I feel guilty. I don’t want to consolidate or pull back because I want our business to thrive, and I don’t want to disappoint my community. Capitalism has such a strong hold on me that I often forget about what’s meaningful. Even now, after returning from Japan I often feel unsettled and have feelings of regret for taking time off. But how can I feel regret for such a magical, memorable time?
To grapple with my battle with “grind culture”, I just finished reading “Rest is Resistance” by Tricia Hersey, and I started reading it again. Here is an excerpt from the book: “The Rest Is Resistance framework does not believe in the toxic idea that we are resting to recharge and rejuvenate so we can be prepared to give more output to capitalism. What we have internalized as productivity has been informed by a capitalist, ableist, patriarchal system. Our drive and obsession to always be in a state of “productivity” leads us to the path of exhaustion, guilt, and shame. We falsely believe we are not doing enough and that we must always be guiding our lives toward more labor. The distinction that must be repeated as many times as necessary is this: We are not resting to be productive. We are resting simply because it is our divine right to do so.” This work is hard and it will take time for me to fully understand and practice rest but I’m glad to begin the journey, and I encourage you all to join this movement with me!